I like it, but I don't.
I want it, but I don't.
I'm fine, but I'm not.

None of this matters, but it does.

-A.

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that.
That you want to sleep for a thousand years.
Or just not exist.
Or just not be aware that you exist.
Or something like that.
I think wanting that is very morbid,
but I want it when I get like this.
That's why I'm trying not to think.
I just want it to all stop spinning."

- The Perks of Being a WallFlower, Stephen Chbosky

-A.

I forced a smile, said,
"Boy, come kiss my mouth—I'll set you free.
You know that hope you're holding to? It looks an awful lot like fear.
Now, you're so quick to fall on failure, and so quick to raise your voice, like,
'If I can't find a mistake to blame, we didn't have a choice.'

Oh, but you had option.
I was your chance to feel complete,
But when I leaned in close to you, you
Kissed your fear instead of me.

You had my hand in your hand,
You had my lip in your teeth,
You had my heart on your sleeve,
You had a chance to breathe.

But, boy, you wouldn't let your fear recede so I moved on.

And it's too late to change your mind now,
You got scared, boy, and I got gone.
Now you failed, and there's no way to turn back time.
You had your chance, boy, I tried."

"You tried?" He looked me in the eye and smiled,
"My girl, you must understand that fear is not some product that I made.
It crept unwelcome in my head the day they had her torn away.
It changed me.

Now at the end of everyday I lie awake at night and wait
To feel the wires of my brain get cut and quietly rearranged, and
Hear my beaten heart exclaim, 'Still, I refuse to let her go.'"

So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.
Oh, how they always wait for me.

If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free.

And I'm sorry, dear, but don't you dare say another word.
How could I risk holding your heart in me while still in love with her?

You were wrong."

-A.

NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

My heart. It hurts.

-A.

You can't even begin to know how many times I've told myself "I told you so". And you can't even begin to believe there's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me.

-A.

Let me give my love to you
Let me take your hand
As we walk in the dimming light
Oh, darling understand

That everything, everything ends.

-A.

You found a way to break away from the one you say that you love. Now you cry out your eyes day and night. You set free the one that you love. And it's true, I don't remember you, but I believe you if you say that we met. I get confused. Nights, I've been wondering. I thought I was already dead.

but man, I loved
Yeah, I loved
When I loved
It was love.
It was love.
Or at least, the closest I got.

And the coffee, the cream, the blood in my dreams are the ones you used to know. And the gas, the plane, the interstate live the ones you don't have to know. And I regret this sad and awful truth. But my mouth, it'll get away from me. You, I just put up with you, kid. I stayed cause you wouldn't leave.

Remember love?
Oh, love.
When we loved,
It was love.
It was love.
Or at least, as close as I've come.

And maybe Joan was running all alone. And there is a shortcut by putting a gun to your brain. Man, to take all that you got. And the truth was I was just scared for you. But for me, that's the way that it comes. You'd gotten used to me and my awful tongue. But god, didn't we have some fun when we made love in the van and I drove with your hand on my lap? And when san diego got too unkind, we just picked up and left it behind. And we had some love and some hope, a full tank of gas and a wide open road.

It was love.
To us, it was all that we had.
And there are days when you just break the best thing you had.

And I still call it love for now, it's the closest I've come

-A.

:)

God, I'm such a girl.

-A.